Kathryns Walk

For most of my life I've felt my attitude shift back and forth, like the tide, between reaching for light and clinging to darkness.  The light and darkness I speak of could also be called hope and despair, or happy and sad, or nurture and decay. But I think that you understand. Sometimes against all odds I find happiness in the smallest things that the universe has set in my reach. Other times, even when surrounded with a surplus of reasons to be happy, my heart holds tight to pain, whether it's present or in the past. Why do we do this? I'm very grateful though. The balance in me is tilted toward the light. More often than not, and quite often beyond all reason, I feel good about my place in this universe. It's the same with memories with me. When I look back at the past, most of the time I look back on good times, or remember something that brings a smile to my face and warm happiness to my heart. It's not that I haven't had my share of troubles. Like the old ...

Looks like I took a few weeks off of checking in here. Week 8 of chemotherapy means ending the second full cycle of six. So, not a rookie anymore. But not yet a veteran. That time is approaching slowly but surely. I can feel myself changing. Sometimes I can see it in the mirror too. Body-wise, here's where I am: Losing hair Maintaining weight Feel like I have the flu nearly all the time Bad taste in mouth nearly all the time Chemo fog - can't always think very well Losing balance now and then - no serious falls yet Rib pain, nearly constant, drugs help Ahem, digestive issues All in all, could be worse Mentally, I'm here: Taking my medicine Following medical advice Over it. Seriously though, this one needs more of a write-up than a bullet list. Feel free to check out here - my body is still strong and to put it in a nutshell, I'm going to make it through this, I hate feeling pathetic, and there's not a lot anyone out there can do about this other than what you're...

  Okay, I’ve got cancer. Yes, I’m in treatment. It sucks. Enough of that. At week 5, It’s time for something completely different. All my life I’ve been an artist. I wouldn’t have said it, or said it out loud, until now. I might have wished “I wish I could be an artist.” Instead I lied to myself. “I can’t draw.” “I don’t have artistic talent.” “I wish I could make art.” We tell ourselves lies, then we go believe them.  And ironically we go about our day and make art. It may not be art using the medium that most people consider “ART,” but it is no less artistic. We talk to other people, we cook, we nurture, we go to the office or the field, and we make art. Some of it is better than others, we all have good moments and good days and the other ones where we’re just hanging in there. Sometimes art is throwing towels in the dryer on a bad day, pulling them out one by one, warm and soft and fuzzy, and hugging them. And then folding them and putting them back into the closet. This i...

My full week sleep cycle - week 1 of induction chemo We're now going on a full first month of induction chemotherapy. This phase is done in 4 week cycles, and we're told that there will be 4-8 cycles of this before we go for stem cell harvest at Swedish Hospital. The nurses at Kaiser Permanente Infusion have been great. Each week it's been a different nurse to administer the treatments, and I have had two favorites, and two who were merely good. When the worst you get is "merely good," give thanks children. We arrive, get blood taken, and go up to infusion to wait for the two chemicals to be mixed by the pharmacy. It usually takes at least an hour and a half for them to arrive at our clinic, where we've been sitting, talking and reading, and in my case, sketching and watercoloring. The nurse comes in and you lift your shirt and expose your unflattering 65-year-old tummy and they gently pinch some of the fat there and slowly, every so slowly, push an alarming l...

Most of us love rebels. The underdogs, fighting repression, sticking it to the man on behalf of the poor and weak. Sometimes rebels are heroes and sometimes not, and I suppose it has a lot to do with where you sit. As my wise father says, “it depends upon whose ox is getting gored.” When it comes to cancer, rebels aren’t so great. Cancer cells themselves are rebels - they seek to overthrow the orderly system of bodily health. Multiple Myeloma is a cancer where your bone marrow, the factory for your body’s blood cells and immune system, go rebel. Bone marrow begins to produce too many of one kind and not enough of another, and the cells that get overproduced are often abnormal and act wrong. They become corrosive, making proteins and other substances that want out of the bone marrow so badly that they begin to eat their way through the bone from the inside out. A Multiple Myeloma patient will often have lesions, places where the bone has become weakened or even holes eaten through, like...

 Story Time: In 2003 I was in India, preparing to bring Sukanya home. I was sitting in some random government official's waiting room. Kamala, the boss-lady at the Guild of Service was using my talents as someone who regularly spoke with government officials, to lobby them on moving her applications for adoption to US families faster. More about that meeting in a minute. In the waiting room one couldn't ignore all 5'2" of the mighty Kamala Ramanathan, barraging a secretary with a precise Tamil verbal assault. She was telling that secretary that The Official Himself certainly had time for us.  An older Indian gentleman sat near me listening in, not that it was any effort for him. People were hearing the ferocious Ms. Ramanathan down the street. The old man leaned closer to me and asked "so you are from America? And you work for the government there?" "Well yes, I'm from Seattle, it's in the state of Washington. And I do work for the government, so...

  Hello there, it's time for a check in. I'll start with the good... Yesterday was our anniversary - 5 years married, and Dave's birthday. We had as nice a day as possible, and I especially want to thank you Tina for the lovely cake! We're learning the cycle of treatment and leaning in. There was a very good appointment at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance the other day where we learned more about the upcoming schedule, and got the news that it might take less than 6 months to complete induction therapy. Fingers are crossed over here. We've had really good interactions with the infusion team at Kaiser Permanente Capitol Hill. The nurses and staff there are truly superheroes. Before I go into medical stuff and favors deeper, I want to talk about wonderful people, and I have a little favor to ask, if you're inclined. Dave is being a super supporter, and I'm more grateful for him that you can imagine. My kids and friends (and maybe you) are checking in on me from ti...