Holding to the Light
For most of my life I've felt my attitude shift back and forth, like the tide, between reaching for light and clinging to darkness.
The light and darkness I speak of could also be called hope and despair, or happy and sad, or nurture and decay. But I think that you understand. Sometimes against all odds I find happiness in the smallest things that the universe has set in my reach. Other times, even when surrounded with a surplus of reasons to be happy, my heart holds tight to pain, whether it's present or in the past.
Why do we do this?
I'm very grateful though. The balance in me is tilted toward the light. More often than not, and quite often beyond all reason, I feel good about my place in this universe. It's the same with memories with me. When I look back at the past, most of the time I look back on good times, or remember something that brings a smile to my face and warm happiness to my heart.
It's not that I haven't had my share of troubles. Like the old gospel song, I've been a poor wayfaring stranger. Growing up there were plenty of things in my family that didn't go the best way possible. As a kid in school, I was the loner most of the time. The kid you'd see over at the edge of the playground by themself, doing God knows what. I knew that I was different from the rest of them but didn't know why, and felt unable to make any sense of it or change.
But looking back I don't focus on those lonely times. Instead most of the memories I dwell upon were good times with the friends I had, or the wonder of the forest as I ran like a deer through sun-dappled meadows. Or climbed to the tops of tall Grand Fir trees at the spine of Kitsap County, where you could look one way to see the snowy Olympics and the other to the icy Casdades.
In my 20's I went out into the world. I remember being very lonely. I had my first real brushes with life and death. Luckily life prevailed and I got through that time of change and painful growth.
In my 30's came my first marriage, at the outset showing such a promising start but eventually turning out badly. It nearly cost my life when it dissolved, and the damage spread throughout the entire family. Yet even though I remember the pain of that time (which was overwhelming), I remember that there were good times too, more good times than bad. And that marriage included the most amazing group of kids coming together as family.
I look back on those times and remember mostly, and most powerfully, the joy of those times. How amazing my kids are, every one of them. How much fun we had with simple, inexpensive things. The thrills, laughs, screams of surprise and happiness. The most tender moments when our connection felt stronger than steel.
Some people have a harder time remembering the happy times, and for whatever reason, cling to the sorrow and hurt. I hope for them it's a passing thing, and they will find their way back to the light. Maybe they won't, I don't know. It doesn't feel within my control to change.
All I know is this. I will hold to the light. I will have my bad times and wish some things could have been better. But I will cherish the lovely, wonderful people and things that the universe has placed within my reach. I will treasure the happy times.
