Before

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If this is before treatment, I can't imagine life during. Friday we went over potential medication side effects, both from the four chemo drugs, and also potential side effects from the medicines to address the side effects from the chemo drugs.

Interestingly, I already have most of those side effects in my daily life, so it's going to be more like 'are your daily issues getting worse or staying the same.'

The point of treatment, of course, is to knock back those issues and help me live longer, so bring on the drugs.

We start tomorrow by taking about 20 pills and getting a couple of shots. I'll keep you posted.

I'd like to say I don't like to complain but those of you who know me best know that I do enjoy a bit of complaining. Anyway, here's how I'm feeling today:

I'm tired all the time. I get out of breath very easily. Right now after doing extremely light household chores for about 10 minutes I feel as if I've run a 6 mile run.

It feels like I have a UTI, but I don't. I've got other digestive issues that you can imagine. There's rib pain (thank you for the pain killers!).

There's a constant metallic taste in my mouth. I'm not very hungry and have to force myself to eat.

**TMI TRIGGER WARNING**

Those of you who know me know that I often brag about my inability to vomit. The last time I did this was over 30 years ago, even when I've tried (2014 Jack in the Box Jalapeño BBG burger E Coli incident).

Dear Chemo Drugs: You may consider this a dare.

I'm depressed. I can't believe that I'm going to be a burden to people I love best. I always thought of myself as the caregiver, the one who was invincible who would be practicing self-sacrifice for the rest of my life. And now the worm has turned. I don't like this.

Here's how I'm coping.

I'm resting way more than seems appropriate. I'm giving myself space to catnap, sit on the couch and stare, or even just wrap myself in a fuzzy blanket and waste time.

I'm making myself eat even though it's mostly not enjoyable. I'm cooking still, although it's getting harder and harder to get inspired. I'm not drinking any alcohol, not even my favorite French 'mineral water.'

I'm painting. I'm getting better and better at watercolor. I'll keep at it.

I'm still working, but I'm focusing only on the work that I love to do for the people who deserve my time most. I'm not letting myself get dragged into workplace dramas, or spending time on tasks or people who don't deserve it. Yes I realize this sounds selfish but if you can't focus yourself where you feel deserved at this point in your life you can't ever. I'm doing it.

Tomorrow we start a 6-month weekly drug regimen. Every Monday morning for 6 months there will be pills, shots, and side effects. The clock is ticking on this lovely head of hair - the thing that gets complimented the most. At the most, I've got another 7 months to enjoy it.

Yes, it will grow back after. There will be an after and it will be better than today. But I'm here now.

It's a bit much to think about.



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